Be A Better Wife Wednesday | Give it Up

give it up

Not to be confused with Let it Go

Some time ago we had a post called Let it Go. The message was more on forgiveness.

Just to clarify, today’s post is regarding selfishness, the desire to have your own way and the sense of entitlement (however so slight) that can creep into our everyday thoughts and actions.

A point of contention in our house is the direction the silverware goes into the dishwasher.  Now, I’m not going to say there is a right or wrong here, but just to be nice, let’s simply discuss this as an area of “personal preference.”

When we were first married there were a great many habits in regard to “homemaking” I didn’t, well, let’s just say, have a knack for. Honestly, there were matters, specifically in this area of life which were very important to my husband that I, frankly, couldn’t have cared less about.  However, I had decided to be a dutiful wife and always worked diligently to do certain tasks the way my husband preferred them.

Ah, to have the sweet mindset of a new wife.

Now, not to toot my own horn, but I did learn how to fold shirts, towels, socks, underwear all completely different than I had been doing for 20+ years.  I learned to pick up after myself, make my bed and not leave a sink full of dishes. I even learned to put the silverware FACE UP.

Now, I know for a fact I had to learn to put the silverware FACE UP because my mother had always preferred the silverware  face down. I KNOW  I’m not confused about which direction my mother preferred the silverware because she had surgeries on her eyes as a child and she can not stand to have anything remotely pointy at all facing her direction. Hence, a woman who likes her silverware DOWN!!

Well, back to present day.

Recently, I don’t know in the last year or so, my husband has started putting the silverware down again.  He maintains he has always put the silverware down and I have been flabbergasted…literally appalled that for the last 8 years I have been putting the silverware UP to appease him.

Now, if I was a better wife, and a better person, I would have been overjoyed to go back to my old ways of putting the silverware down in the dishwasher.

But, I am not a  good enough person to tell you that is what I have been doing. Because, what I have been doing is purposely and consciously putting the silverware up out of spite.

Now, I know, you may be thinking this isn’t that bad. Really?  Is this what today’s post is all about?

Not really.

See, it’s a heart issue.  My heart should be to please my husband. My heart should be to do things the way he likes them.  He does often unload the dishwasher!!! He even loads it enough that I’ve been annoyed he has been DOING IT WRONG.  OK, OK, not wrong, but different.

The whole truth is we load the entire dishwasher differently from each other.

BUT WHO SHOULD REALLY CARE?!?!!?

So, as a wife who has been subtly feeling she could do as she pleased because it was what she wanted to do and it was HER house to manage, I beseech you. Give it up!!

Please your husband.

Be selfLESS.

Just do it the way he likes because you love him and it’s his home too.

May you be the wife God is calling you to be, every day.

 

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Nickole Perry
Hi! I’m Nickole (note the spelling. my mother did that.) I’m a domestically challenged wiper of bottoms and noses! I’m a coffee drinking, bacon eating mama who loves Jesus and has been pregnant or nursing (sometimes both) for the last 9 years!

8 replies on “Be A Better Wife Wednesday | Give it Up

  1. …have to laugh over this!!! I could have written this (IF I were eloquent and able to so succinctly make my point) regarding my home and the habits of it’s occupants. We seriously had the precise issue with toilet paper and the way it hangs…years after I changed the way I hang it (to appease him), he began hanging it differently (insisting that was the way he had always hung it…ugh!) Personally, I think it’s a control issue; realistically, I’ve come to know it’s simply not worth the effort or the fight (and perhaps, the Lord has tamed me a bit in an area or two). Toilet paper does it’s task regardless of how it’s hung….and peace just feels better than conflict.

  2. …have to laugh over this!!! I could have written this (IF I were eloquent and able to so succinctly make my point) regarding my home and the habits of it’s occupants. We seriously had the precise issue with toilet paper and the way it hangs…years after I changed the way I hang it (to appease him), he began hanging it differently (insisting that was the way he had always hung it…ugh!) Personally, I think it’s a control issue; realistically, I’ve come to know it’s simply not worth the effort or the fight (and perhaps, the Lord has tamed me a bit in an area or two). Toilet paper does it’s task regardless of how it’s hung….and peace just feels better than conflict.

  3. hi nikki,

    i guess i have a little different take on your issues. i have been married 45+ yrs. (just so you know where I’m coming from.)

    since it sounds like you have gotten a system, largely initiated by your husband’s organizational ability in the days b/f children, that now works pretty well for you. I’m not sure you need to start taking his advice now that he has a new idea/whim re how you should put away the silverware. particularly considering how long it took for him to notice that you were doing it a different way!

    rarely does anyone perfectly manage a home. that we all know for sure. but it sounds like your husband is micro managing something that isn’t broken! submission doesn’t mean giving in to each whim that crosses his mind!

    does he take your input on his job? likely not, or at least not without considering if it really appies or not. you can graciously accept his advice, but if it is going to make the running of the home more difficult, it is also possible to tell him, “thanks for the advice, but not thanks.” you are an adult woman. you have been doing this for a long time. whether you turn the forks up or down will not impact the health or well-being of the family. those issues have nothing to do with scriptural commands re submission! this has to do with his micro-managing of a job that he really doesn’t understand anymore…unless he is involved in the dailyness of housework more than it sounds.

    it obviously doesn’t mean much to him if he just noticed that your had been doing it differently than he thought…after 8 yrs.!

    important issues of submission relate to training of the children, attitudes toward one another…husband/wife, child/child, parent/child. those need to be discussed and decided on in ways that you are both on the same page understanding that neither of you has the final answer on the best way to do it and both need to have input that is heard.

    we as wives are called on to submit as to Christ. that is true, but we aren’t called on to be doormats. we can still speak our minds with respect and honor. it may take thought to think through ways to do it, but we CAN do it.

    be a wise wife and stand for 2 way respect. he may not be thinking about the outcome of his suggestions…or he may only be thinking of them as suggestions, not edicts. find ways to clarify his expectations in private if necessary. it takes 2 to make a good marriage and neither one is a dictator!

    • Thank you so much for your heart and loving concern. I think my message was meant to be conveyed as slightly more humorous than you took it. My husband really doesn’t care, he just started doing it how they do it at work, I imagine, out of habit probably. It was my heart issue of selfishness I was trying to address. I’m always more concerned about me being where I should be, than if my husband is in the right. I find it makes for a better attitude for me and my relationship with the Lord.

      I do appreciate your years of experience and understand your point about micromanaging. I do have a very loving husband who doesn’t and is just a very neat and clean person. I’m innately (or poorly trained as) a pile person. A messy, don’t care much about order, pile person. I’m sure you know the kind.

      This has been the cause of my having to change so many things. Since I really don’t care about the end result of many things, but my husband prefers things a certain way, I just do it his way. When I prefer something a certain way, he generally just lets me do it that way.

      Biblically, we are called to put others needs before our own…in my marriage, I try to throw in wants too!!!

  4. hi nikki,

    i guess i have a little different take on your issues. i have been married 45+ yrs. (just so you know where I’m coming from.)

    since it sounds like you have gotten a system, largely initiated by your husband’s organizational ability in the days b/f children, that now works pretty well for you. I’m not sure you need to start taking his advice now that he has a new idea/whim re how you should put away the silverware. particularly considering how long it took for him to notice that you were doing it a different way!

    rarely does anyone perfectly manage a home. that we all know for sure. but it sounds like your husband is micro managing something that isn’t broken! submission doesn’t mean giving in to each whim that crosses his mind!

    does he take your input on his job? likely not, or at least not without considering if it really appies or not. you can graciously accept his advice, but if it is going to make the running of the home more difficult, it is also possible to tell him, “thanks for the advice, but not thanks.” you are an adult woman. you have been doing this for a long time. whether you turn the forks up or down will not impact the health or well-being of the family. those issues have nothing to do with scriptural commands re submission! this has to do with his micro-managing of a job that he really doesn’t understand anymore…unless he is involved in the dailyness of housework more than it sounds.

    it obviously doesn’t mean much to him if he just noticed that your had been doing it differently than he thought…after 8 yrs.!

    important issues of submission relate to training of the children, attitudes toward one another…husband/wife, child/child, parent/child. those need to be discussed and decided on in ways that you are both on the same page understanding that neither of you has the final answer on the best way to do it and both need to have input that is heard.

    we as wives are called on to submit as to Christ. that is true, but we aren’t called on to be doormats. we can still speak our minds with respect and honor. it may take thought to think through ways to do it, but we CAN do it.

    be a wise wife and stand for 2 way respect. he may not be thinking about the outcome of his suggestions…or he may only be thinking of them as suggestions, not edicts. find ways to clarify his expectations in private if necessary. it takes 2 to make a good marriage and neither one is a dictator!

    • Thank you so much for your heart and loving concern. I think my message was meant to be conveyed as slightly more humorous than you took it. My husband really doesn’t care, he just started doing it how they do it at work, I imagine, out of habit probably. It was my heart issue of selfishness I was trying to address. I’m always more concerned about me being where I should be, than if my husband is in the right. I find it makes for a better attitude for me and my relationship with the Lord.

      I do appreciate your years of experience and understand your point about micromanaging. I do have a very loving husband who doesn’t and is just a very neat and clean person. I’m innately (or poorly trained as) a pile person. A messy, don’t care much about order, pile person. I’m sure you know the kind.

      This has been the cause of my having to change so many things. Since I really don’t care about the end result of many things, but my husband prefers things a certain way, I just do it his way. When I prefer something a certain way, he generally just lets me do it that way.

      Biblically, we are called to put others needs before our own…in my marriage, I try to throw in wants too!!!

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