The middle of the night, actually.
I couldn’t sleep on the couch.
I tried in the living room. I tried in the bedroom.
Knowing my husband is peacefully sleeping alone in our bed makes me restless.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what he said. Well, I probably could if I thought about it for a moment, but I’m not going to because my goal before the sun rises is going to be to climb into my own bed and lay down next to the man who I know in my mind isn’t my enemy.
I remember a wise friend telling me long ago, long before I knew what the trials of marriage would be, she said, “Sometimes you will have to lay down next to the man and tell yourself he isn’t the enemy even when you feel like he, for sure, is!!!”
My husband isn’t my enemy. I might have to say it one hundred times.
I will swallow my pride. Take the decorative pillows off my side of the bed (I moved them from the couch so I could sleep there) and lay down next to the man who I pledged to be married to until I die.
I will choose to obey God. I will do my best not to flinch when he rolls over to hold me. I will try not to flinch even if he doesn’t.
It’s funny how I still always want him to come after me. Like in some romantic comedy where the man always “knows” the woman is right, I think he will come swoop me up, tell me he won’t let me sleep away from him and remind me we will always be together forever.
But the honest truth is…if you are on the couch and your husband is in your bed (or vice versa) it’s probably God who is going to have to work it out in your heart. It’s probably God who is going to have to humble you and remind you of all he has forgiven in you, so you can muster up the strength to forgive your husband.
Tonight, when it was just me and my God, I remembered. I remembered by God’s standards I’m a murderer, an adulterer, prideful and self-righteous. I remembered who I was without Him and how much He had forgiven me.
I took my eyes off my mate. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I accepted responsibility for my part. I didn’t have to leave the room. I didn’t have to harbor ill will. I didn’t have to be angry or hurt, but I chose to nurse those ugly thoughts and let the enemy get a foothold in my heart and in my marriage.
And as I lay there unable to sleep, the Lord drew me here. Here to this place where He allows me to lay my sins bare before you, confessing how imperfect I still am. He knew I wasn’t ready to crawl into bed and He is gracious in giving me these few moments to gather my resolve.
Because even as I sit here I know, it’s my choice. I can choose to forgive. I can choose to let things go. I can choose to serve, be kind and merciful.
I’m off to bed now, ladies. I still don’t feel joy about climbing into my bed, but because of our God and this post I will do it.
Please share your thoughts in our comments. I’d love the encouragement!!